Boundaries In Marriage
If your marriage is struggling or you want to make a great marriage even better, Boundaries in Marriage has the solutions. Two lives becoming one sounds easier said than done. After the honeymoon is over, how do you solve problems? How do you establish healthy communication? How do you work out conflict and deal with the struggle of differing needs?
Boundaries in Marriage
Boundaries are unique for every individual. They cover a range of topics and can be small or big. In the simplest terms, a boundary in a marriage is the limit of what a person is willing to accept from their partner. Boundaries serve as an outward expression of a person's core values and beliefs and reflect what they need to feel safe, respected, and loved.
1. Use Clear Communication. Spend time identifying what is important to you in your relationship and your life. What "hill are you willing to die on" and what are you willing to be more flexible about? Once you've identified your specific boundaries, use clear language when discussing them with your partner:
Sit down with your partner to discuss your values, express your needs, and agree upon boundaries that will uphold these needs. Make sure these are boundaries you are both prepared to respect and honor.
This same concept applies to honoring your partner's boundaries. Realize that what you say and do (or don't do) affects your partner. Understand that you may slip up along the way, especially if you and your partner are new to setting healthy boundaries. Take responsibility when you make a mistake, offer genuine apologies, and always circle back to clear, respectful communication.
4. Seek Professional Help. Setting boundaries is hard. Consulting with a licensed marriage and family therapist or another professional can be extremely beneficial, especially if you are creating "big" boundaries around issues like alcoholism, infidelity, or child-rearing.
Boundary is that line or limit which partners set to protect their marriage, and prevent themselves from exploitation and manipulation. Boundaries enable you to draw a line between you and your spouse and allocate ownership and responsibility between you two.
In any relationship you cannot expect the other person to behave the way you want them to. You can only request for a change in their behavior and having boundaries does not mean that you demand a behavior change from your partner. Therefore, you need to explain your spouse about the need to have boundaries to avoid any conflicts.
You may have set some boundaries for yourself. But your spouse may not be eager to follow you, or they may not want to be bound by your boundaries as they feel restricted and trapped. Here are ways to deal with your spouse, if they are resisting the boundaries:
Examples of healthy boundaries that we see in our daily lives are stoplights, medicine rules and dosages, work rules, and even the 10 commandments in the Bible. We need similar examples of healthy boundaries in marriages.
Being able to establish healthy boundaries in marriage will allow both spouses to feel much more comfortable with each other and will eventually help each other develop self-esteem, thus making the marriage better and stronger. By knowing the importance of appropriate boundaries in marriage, each spouse would be able to think first before acting or talking. It allows a person to reflect on the things that they might say and what effects it will have in the relationship.
We have to remember that marriage is a continuous adjustment of two people and as we are able to practice healthy boundaries in marriage, we also reflect on ourselves and who we really are as a person, a spouse, and ultimately as a parent.
One boundary that is often misunderstood is having friends outside marriage. Some boundaries become negative when the feelings involved with it is also negative such as jealousy. You need to let this go and allow your spouse to still have friends outside the marriage.
Speak up and let your spouse know if you want something or if you disagree on things that you both need to decide. Without the ability to express what you feel, then being married is meaningless because a true marriage also means being able to be yourself with this person.
There should be boundaries between the partners so that none of them steps forward to an extent to practice physical abuse in order to have a say in the relationship. Each partner needs to have enough self-esteem as to draw the line when it comes to violence.
At times, partners should also build boundaries so that they know that the names they give to each other is respectable and sounds adoring rather than a bully. Partners can also become uncomfortable and embarrassed by their nicknames and their spouse should not press upon such names.
It should be clear in every relationship or marriage what level of commitment they both want from each other. If one partner wants a monogamous relationship while the other seeks open marriage, there should be a boundary where they both come to the same page and keep the relationship working.
For sure, sharing is caring but there have to be boundaries when it comes to the extent of sharing. Both the partners should ensure that they are only sharing what they feel comfortable with and the other partner should not force them.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
In Boundaries in Marriage, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the New York Times bestseller Boundaries, teach us that healthy boundaries are the property lines that define and protect you and your spouse as individuals. Once you have them in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved.
Some husbands and wives talk down to one another out of habit. Speaking with disrespect sends marriages into a vicious cycle that can spiral into verbal abuse. Commit to not cussing at one another, not interrupting, and not name-calling.
Healthy marriage boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your marriage as it matures. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.
In many marriages it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when power dynamics are unequal, a marriage can be damaged.
Make an effort to keep the decision making even in your marriage. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why.
It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love because too much togetherness can lead to neglect- to taking each other for granted, for losing oneself and for alienating close friends and family. None of those things can lead to a happy marriage.
At the beginning of your marriage, make it a priority with your partner and build your house from a place of love and beauty and self-confidence, one that will be strong enough to stand the test of time and allow your marriage to be a healthy one.
We are complex beings, with unique histories, hopes, pain, fears, needs, and goals. One of the main reasons why it is good to have boundaries is that it acknowledges the fact that you are two different people. As bonded and united as the people in a marriage might be, they are still two individuals.
Being able to set healthy boundaries is a prerequisite for emotional well-being because it helps you to know how best to love and serve one another in a relationship, and it also clearly communicates areas of sensitivity and importance, as well as alerting one another to deeply held values that need to be respected.
Each human being is multifaceted, and so can have boundaries across a vast array of areas. Some of the areas in which a couple may decide to set boundaries include sex, finances, how they spend their time, spirituality, work, emotional and physical space, friendships, outside influences (in-laws, etc.), and privacy.
A couple might have social boundaries such as whether they each need to check in with one another before going out with friends, whether they have only mutual friends, or maintain relationships that are separate from the other spouse. Is it okay, for instance, to have friends of the opposite sex, and if so, what are the parameters of such friendships?
To establish boundaries, you must communicate clearly what is important to you, set clear consequences for what happens if those boundaries are violated, and recognize the fact that boundaries can shift and may need to be revisited from time to time.
In any given marriage, the boundaries that a couple has set for their mutual edification and to meet their needs can be violated. This can happen as a one-time occurrence, or as a pattern of behavior. Additionally, a variety of circumstances can lead to the violation of boundaries, and some of them may not be malicious or intentional.
Boundaries get violated, and they can collide or clash. Rather than taking this as a cue to ditch the boundaries, it may be an opportunity for you to take stock of the situation and reassess where things stand. Here are a few things to do when the boundaries in marriage clash or are violated.
Setting boundaries in marriage can be complicated work, and in some cases, you may need to seek help from a professional such as a licensed marriage and family therapist to assist you. They can help you not only to identify your boundaries, but they can provide you with the tools and vocabulary not only to demarcate your boundaries but also to set fitting consequences for when those boundaries are violated. 041b061a72
